Acceptance and Belonging

In a recent training session, I asked all members of staff to define what they understood by the term ‘belonging.’ The most common response was, ‘acceptance.’ This makes sense: feeling accepted means that we can truly be ourselves, creating a feeling of psychological comfort where we are more likely to thrive and work productively. At Lincoln Park, we have a strong commitment to creating an inclusive environment, where all members of our community – staff and students alike – can be heard, seen, and valued for who they are, and where all of our diverse characteristics are celebrated. This mindset requires us to ‘meet each other where we are’: see and embrace our unique qualities and not set out to change who we are as individuals.

When strong relationships are forged between teachers and students, we have a deeper appreciation of the multiple aspects of an individual’s identity. This understanding of a student’s strengths, their interests, and how they learn, allows us to support all aspects of their cognitive and emotional development. Regardless of where they are on their personal learning journey, every student – from fifteen months onward – can experience success if we meet them where they are and tailor our approach accordingly. Success might look different for each student, and we may need to employ different strategies and provisions to help them thrive: this requires a focus on equity rather than equality.

Recognizing where children are on their academic and emotional journey, and how we can meet their needs, is achieved in a number of different ways. For our youngest children, non-verbal behaviors are an important form of self-expression. All behaviors are a form of communication, with the adult then taking on the role of detective to figure out the message. This is not always easy, especially when big feelings or overwhelm trigger a meltdown. It can be frustrating to work out the root of distress when a child may not have the words or the emotional capacity to provide the answer themselves. There is little point in employing reason with them in this moment, and patience is required until the child is calm.

This year, Dragonflies has implemented strategies from the book No Such Thing as Naughty, in which the author, Kate Silverton, offers practical means of calming a child who presents with strong emotions. Using ‘S.A.S.’ has proved particularly effective: this strategy involves acknowledging emotions, validating these, and then soothing the child. It seems so simple, yet the child is suddenly more relaxed: they have been seen, heard, and validated. This week, I employed this strategy with a seven-year-old. Tired and emotional, he could not be persuaded to join the other children in the play space but sat sobbing loudly for several minutes.  Instead of asking ‘What’s wrong’, I got down to his level, looked him in the eye and said “You’re so sad; it’s hard to stop doing something you were really enjoying. Let’s take some deep breaths.” Three deep breaths later, he abruptly stopped crying, simply stood up and joined the others. Honestly it works every time but still surprises us!

The Goal Squad and our Values Curriculum provide an essential mechanism for all in school to develop the capacity to identify more precisely how we are feeling and the strategies we can employ to course correct where necessary. Our Student Community Directors are doing some phenomenal work with teachers to help them identify and support students who might be struggling in different ways and to work alongside them to help them return to a place of comfort and be ready to learn. Students who understand that all emotions are normal and expected, and that happiness could not exist without sadness, that energy could not exist without relative fatigue, are more likely to achieve self-acceptance as well as acceptance of others.

And acceptance – this does indeed create belonging.

Interestingly, we can learn a lot about belonging and connection from animals, particularly dogs. Did you know that dogs have developed quite sophisticated non-verbal communication? Their facial expressions alone convey 16 different emotions, only 10 fewer than humans, and they have learned to use their eyes particularly effectively: constant eye contact, for example, indicates trust and affection, whereas an averted gaze suggests discomfort and ‘guilt’ about a misdemeanor.

I witnessed this recently when dog-sitting for a friend. Milo would spend hours at our feet, gazing, while I tried to figure out what he was trying to communicate. I sensed him trying to make a connection, and in some ways, his quiet patience was far more likely to get my attention than a non-stop talker. Dogs truly are the ultimate non-judgmental companions. You can leave them alone all day, and still, on your return, they greet you with unswerving loyalty and compassion – not a shred of resentment. They simply accept you for who you are and love you all the same.

Humans can undoubtedly learn a lot from our furry friends. Just as dogs instinctively meet us where we are, offering comfort and acceptance, we, too, can create an environment where our children feel safe, valued, and understood. By meeting children where they are, recognizing their emotions, and validating their experiences, we cultivate a culture of belonging that allows them to flourish.

Parenting is complex, especially when trying to balance understanding and supporting a child's growth without imposing one's own expectations or overstepping.  I know this all too well with my own children, all technically now adults, but with whom I still sometimes struggle to get the balance right. Here are some things I try to do:

• Listen actively, putting away my phone or anything I am doing at the time to focus solely on what they are saying

• Reflective listening: "It sounds like you're feeling frustrated about...".

• Try not to "fix" things right away

• Validate their feelings, even if I don’t agree. I know this will help them feel seen and heard

• Embrace their individuality: even when it comes to dubious clothing choices,

• Support their interests, even if they differed from mine

Hard those this mindset is at times; I do think my kiddos appreciate the freedom to be exactly who they are!

Practicing this approach still does not come easily to me. However, when I step back and create space for each of them to learn who they are, I witness them forging their path in a way that is right for them. They will find a space where they belong and I will have done my job.

Judith Scholes

Director of Inclusion, Lincoln Park and South Loop Campuses